I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
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Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I’m awake but I object,
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.