If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
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I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.