If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
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To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Inside you there are two wolves
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.