Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
You Might Also Like
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
…..pretty much.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.