*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
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Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Snapes on a plane.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.