This is why I don’t delete Facebook
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Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*