My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
You Might Also Like
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
pictures of spider-man
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?