Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
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[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa