This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
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*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades