*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
You Might Also Like
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro