friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
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Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
let’s discuss
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play