i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.