What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
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Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Merry Christmas
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*