My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
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Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon