[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
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The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis