fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
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Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
🙀🙀🙀😹
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”