A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
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Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!