idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
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Very problematic
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”