[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
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Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter