Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
next level snooze
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE