Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
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Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
🙁
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.