Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom