[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
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Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Breaking news:
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi