Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
School be like