As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
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My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.