Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I thought this was funny lol
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.