I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
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Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Sex so good you see dead people.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
May your day taste like creamy soup.