Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
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Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
🙁