me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
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what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Still a very good boi….