You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
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I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Wait a minute
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
What about a To-Don’t List?
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words