*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
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her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.