*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
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When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.