Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
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If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.