Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
You Might Also Like
never ask a starfish for directions
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.