*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
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4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
President The Rock Obama
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.