My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…