My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
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Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.