me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
You Might Also Like
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion