“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
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Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.