I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
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A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.