Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
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The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
the Monday after daylight savings
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.