Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
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My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.