Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
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Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.