Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
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I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
the saddest jazz hands ever
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.