WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
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TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
If only
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting