[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.