me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
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Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
A short story about romance.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.