doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
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dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
The smoothest fall of all time
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.