one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
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me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.