If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me